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Hoe vertellen we het de kinderen van 8 maanden, vier en 6 jaar?

dinsdag, 12 maart 2013

 

Moeten we het wel vertellen? Wij als ouder van onze drie kinderen, 10 maanden, vier en zes jaar zijn staan voor open en eerlijkheid. Want immers liegen mag niet. Maar dit onderwerp is wel heel zwaar en de kinderen kunnen hun moeder verliezen. En ik mijn liefde van mijn leven. Hoe bescherm je ze. De situatie was zelfs zo toen we het vreselijke nieuws hoorde de volgende dag onze oudste jarig was. 

 

We kregen meteen van de betrokken arts en mammapoli te horen dat we de borstkanker bespreekbaar moesten maken. Open en eerlijk vertellen dat hun moeder ziek is. Dat we veel naar het ziekenhuis moeten en dat mamma na de operaties ook medicijnen krijgt waardoor ze kaal wordt. Maar als mama geen medicijnen meer krijgt dan begint het haar te groeien. 

Daar zaten we dan met zijn allen, mijn ouders erbij, om de tafel. "Kindjes, we moeten jullie iets vertellen, mama is ziek, mama heeft borstkanker", zei mijn vrouw. Ik had de tranen in mijn ogen, wij allemaal. Maar verbazingwekkend de kinderen niet. Wel wilden ze knuffelen en wilden ze mee als mama naar het ziekenhuis moest. Dat kon ook als mama geopereerd was. En verder gingen ze weer met spelen. Onvoorstelbaar indrukwekkend.

Tijdens de operationele periode hebben we getracht om zoveel mogelijk het leven op te blijven pakken. Het leven gaat gewoon door, ondanks de ziekte. Dat houdt niet in dat we niet verdrietig zijn, maar hetgeen houdt me wel op de been. Ik put kracht uit de kinderen. 

Onze jongste keek naar ons allen en speelde af en toe met zijn knuffel. Hij is ook betrokken ondanks dat hij niet kan praten, maar wel voelen.

 

Op dit moment maken de kinderen het goed. Ze hebben goede rapporten, vinden school belangrijk, dansen, spelen en zijn vol energie. Tuurlijk vinden ze het soms moeilijk. Dan worden ze boos of verdrietig, maar dat is na 15 minuten voorbij. Dan pakken we ze vast, knuffelen we ze, en zijn we de ouder die hun troosten. Ze komen thuis met tekeningen over borstkankerdie ze samen met een klasgenoot hebben gemaakt.

Ze zijn niet bang om mijn vrouw haar borstkas te zien. Ze vonden het zelfs spannend, net een Piet Piraat litteken. 


En dan sta je als vader te voetballen met je kinderen of te stoeien in de woonkamer. Mijn opdracht tijdens dit proces is dat alles zo normaal mogelijk doorgaat voor de kinderen. Lachen, huilen, boos, ziek, ze kunnen altijd bij ons terecht, omdat we open en eerlijk zijn. Dat is de grote winst.
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Beste Kooistra,

Inderdaad, eerlijkheid staat voorop. Hoewel wij volwassen kinderen hebben hebben wij ook 3 kleinkinderen en dar hebben wij ook een soortgelijk verhaal verteld. Simpel zonder teveel in detail te treden. Kinderen kunnen meer hebben als dat je denkt en natuurlijk zijn ze er bij tijd en wijle mee bezig. Blijf gewoon doorgaan met de dagelijkse bezigheden en je zult zien dat alles , ondanks de ziekte van je vrouw, gewoon doorgaat. Sterkte de komende periode.

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hoi, ik heb nog een tip voor je. Toen ik in 2007 BK kreeg waren mijn kindjes 2 en 4. Ik heb toen heel veel gehad aan de 2 boekjes "Radio Robbie" en "Chemo Kasper". Hier wordt in kindertaal uitgelegd wat de behandelingen doen en inhouden. Met plaatjes e.d. Heel leuk en heel zinvol. Mijn kinderen van nu 7 en 9 willen nog wel eens dat ik eruit voorlees nu. Google ze maar eens, een echte aanrader.

Mijn kinderen hebben mijn overigens ook leren relativeren. Zij kijken niet verder dan vandaag. En al heb je geel, groen, paars of geen haar, je blijft toch mama...Mijn ervaring is dat wij het vaak erger  voorstellen dan dat kinderen het voelen, dat komt omdat wij de lange termijn kunnen overzien. Mijn zoon was destijds vast overtuigd dat ik blauw haar terug kreeg.

Sterkte met alles.

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Het is al gezegd, kinderen leven vaak in het moment. Soms komen ze later terug op dingen die je eerder hebt gezegd. Goed kijken en luisteren en ingaan op vragen, dat werkt denk ik toch het beste.

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10@

@maisa @mariekeh @technoboy bedankt voor jullie reacties.

Wij hebben de boekjes chemokasper enz. gelezen met de kinderen. Erg informatief en duidelijk voor de kinderen.

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Hoi. Hier ook hetzelfde. Onze oudste is 7, wordt in de zomer 8. Hij krijgt er meer van mee. We proberen eea zo eerlijk mogelijk te vertellen, maar wel op "kinder-niveau". Overmorgen start ik met de chemo's. Vandaag mijn pruik uitgezocht / opgehaald. Ze hebben hem al op gehad. Het lijkt nu al normaal dat mama straks een pruik draagt. Ze weten dat ik mijn haren ga verliezen, na het lezen van het boekje chemo-kasper. Ze pakken het zo goed op. Het verbaast me wel eens.

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